


You're not invited to our next murder

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 17:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13486377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: “I mean, if we really want to win I can think of one easy way we could get the money,” said Nicky, giving Allison a pointed look.She noticed his attention and gave him a once over. “You'd make a decent prostitute,” she admitted.Nicky gasped in affront. “I'd make an amazing prostitute!” he argued. “Not like Kevin, he’d be awful.”“Kevin’s actually a pretty passable prostitute,” said Neil.





	You're not invited to our next murder

**Author's Note:**

> This one grew some plot and gets sappy at the end

Wymack stomped into the bullpen on a Wednesday morning. He looked around irately.

“It’s almost time for our morning briefing,” he said. “Why are none of you working?”

“Sorry, Captain,” said Dan apologetically. “It’s just that Neil isn’t in yet and isn’t answering his phone, so we’re all betting what’s happened to him.”

“I’m telling you he’s fallen down a subway grate,” said Allison. “He’s one of the mole people now.”

“I think he got lost,” said Renee.

“Impossible,” said Kevin. “He has a great sense of direction; he’s like a homing pigeon.”

“Let me get this straight,” Wymack said. “One of your coworkers is missing and incommunicado and you’re all just sitting around making up stories about his fate?”

“Not me, Captain,” said Nicky. “I was napping.”

Wymack glowered. “That's worse!” he said.

“He’s probably fine,” Matt said, sounding slightly worried. “Maybe his power went out last night so his alarm didn't go off.”

Kevin scoffed. “I worked with Neil for years. I taught him better than to have a power dependent alarm. Clearly, he’s been kidnapped.”

“You’ve leapt straight to Threat Level Midnight, then?” asked Dan.

“You don’t know Neil like I do,” said Kevin. “Ridiculous things happen to him all the time. I’ve started working on a sketch of him for the missing persons report.” He held up a badly drawn misshapen lump.

“Why did you draw a squirrel?” asked Matt, taking in the drawing.

“It’s not a squirrel, it’s Neil.”

Allison squinted at the drawing. “I’m pretty sure that’s actually a weasel. Seriously, did you fail art class in middle school?”

“Yes,” said Kevin, sullenly. “But I maintain that the teacher was prejudiced against me. Even though I was terrible, I should have gotten points for trying!”

“Even though I was terrible, I should have gotten points for trying: title of Kevin’s sex tape,” said Allison triumphantly.

“Can we focus on the missing persons report?” Kevin asked petulantly.

“Why aren’t you just using a photo of Neil instead of trying to draw him incredibly poorly?” asked Dan.

“Why would I have a photo of Neil?” wondered Kevin. “I already know what he looks like.”

“I have an album,” said Matt, pulling out a binder and flipping through it. “They’re mostly my selfies that I pulled him into, but I think I can find an appropriate one.”

“Back to the bet,” said Allison. “Dan, Andrew, neither of you have wagered yet.”

“He’s been arrested,” Andrew said blandly. “By the fashion police. For dressing like a homeless teenager.”

“Let’s not jump to insane conclusions,” said Dan. “I’m guessing that his car just broke down and he can’t call us because his phone is dead. All of you know how terrible he is at keeping his phone charged.”

The elevator arrived and out came an incredibly enraged cop. Neil was wearing running gear instead of work appropriate clothing, and was visibly fuming. Following him was Seth Gordon, a detective from the three-nine that they all knew from his tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship with Allison.

“Josten, where have you been?” asked Wymack.

“I was arrested!” Neil exclaimed. Allison sent a speculative glance at Andrew.

“For what?” Matt asked.

“For impersonating a cop,” Neil growled.

“Again?!” asked Kevin incredulously.

“What do you mean ‘again’?” said Dan. “He _is_ a cop, he can’t be impersonating one!”

“It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s mistaken him for a teenager with a stolen badge,” shrugged Kevin.

“I told you it wasn’t a strange assumption for me to make,” Seth said to Neil.

“Yes it was,” said Neil hotly. He turned back to Kevin. “I was out for my morning run and I caught a glimpse of Jimmy ‘Big Hands’ Herrera walking through the park.”

“Really?” asked Kevin, intrigued.

“Yeah, really,” said Neil. “He was a mid-level drug dealer working with the Moriyamas,” he explained to the rest of them. “There’s been a warrant out for his arrest for the past two years and we think that he has useful information that could help keep Riko into jail for the rest of his life.”

“What happened?” asked Matt.

“Well, I detained him, of course,” said Neil. “And I called dispatch to send a patrol car to come pick him up. But _then_ Detective Terrible Detective here-” he indicated Seth.

“Hey!” said Seth, taking offence.

“-showed up and arrested me, claiming I’d stolen my badge. And he let Herrera go!”

“Look here, short stuff, I was just doing my job,” defended Seth. “I received an anonymous tip this morning that a tiny redhead was in that area with a stolen badge unlawfully arresting people.”

“I had ID on me!” Neil shouted back. “My identity could have been confirmed with one phone call, but instead you let my suspect go and brought me to the station.”

“Seth, you really should make sure that your anonymous tips are accurate,” said Dan.

“Well how was I supposed to know to do that?” asked Seth.

“You're a cop,” said Matt. “You should _definitely_ know that you’re supposed to do that.”

“Instead of being, like, ‘Police work? What a waste of time,’” added Nicky.

“Every time I think you can’t be any more the worst, you out the worst yourself,” Allison told Seth.

“Okay!” said Wymack, speaking over Seth’s impolite response. “What’s done is done. Neil, Kevin, is there any chance this Herrera guy hasn’t gone to ground?”

“No,” said Neil grumpily. “Last time he evaded us, he completely disappeared for _two years_.”

“Well then we’ll have to let this go for now,” Wymack concluded. He turned to Seth. “Thank you for your time, Detective Gordon. I’ll be in touch with your supervisor about your subpar performance.”

Seth swore and slammed his way into the elevator. Meanwhile, Allison got up and brought a chocolate bar to Andrew’s desk.

“Your guess was suspiciously similar to the truth,” she said. “So you win the bet; here are your winnings.”

Andrew peeled open the chocolate bar and took a bite. He then looked up at Allison in question. “Why are you still here?” he asked.

“You’ve been getting an abnormally large number of texts this morning,” Allison pointed out.

“I’m a popular person,” Andrew said. “What’s your point?”

“I think that you were getting insider information.”

“I don’t know what you’re implying,” said Andrew, narrowing his eyes.

“I’m implying that there’s more between you and Neil than either of you let on,” Allison said.

“You have no proof.”

“I’m a detective,” said Allison haughtily. “I will detect.”

* * *

“You’re such a nerd, Kevin,” Allison complained as they took their seats for the morning briefing. “Bringing a pen and notebook, all ready to write stuff down.”

“Writing stuff down is nerdy?” asked Kevin. “What do you do?”

Allison shrugged. “I just forget stuff like a cool person.”

Neil entered then, carrying a wide array of food, most of which he’d gotten from the vending machine. His arrest had prevented him from eating his breakfast. Andrew filched a bag of chips.

Kevin made a disgusted sound. “I thought you’d agreed not to snack during the morning meetings?” he asked Andrew.

“I definitely did not agree to that,” Andrew replied. “My silences do not denote agreement. Besides, chips don’t count as food. You said they had zero nutritional value.”

“I don’t understand how you’re so fit,” said Kevin in disbelief.

“It defies explanation,” said Neil distractedly. "You should see him eat ice cream; your head would explode." Allison cocked her head in interest.

“Okay, everyone shut up,” said Wymack, taking his spot at the front of the room. “Dan, how’s your mugging case going?”

Dan looked up. “I have a semi-reliable description of the mugger; I’ve put out an alert,” she said. “I had to spend a bunch of time convincing the victim to help me: he was from Canada, said it was probably his fault for getting robbed, and kept apologizing for wasting my time.”

“Good,” said Wymack. “Matt, how about your jewelry store robbery?”

“I’m very close, Captain,” said Matt, “aside from a complete absence of evidence, suspects, or leads. So in conclusion, not at all close.”

Wymack sighed. “I don’t know what I did in my past life to deserve a staff full of wannabe comedians.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “Do you need help?”

“I have about forty more potential witness to interview, so help would be appreciated,” said Matt.

“Fine. You can have Day and Josten.”

“Oooh,” said Nicky. “Matt, Kevin, and Neil. My fantasy threesome.”

Allison turned to look at him. “You’re not a part of your own fantasy threesome?”

“Of course not!” cried Nicky. “I would never cheat on my muscular, blonde boo-bear. We are in love.”

“Haven’t you only been on one date?” asked Allison.

“Yes,” said Nicky. “But it was perfect and I decided that he’s my future husband. I’ve already started planning our wedding.”

“Did you… happen to mention that to _him_?” asked Dan.

“I’m not a moron,” said Nicky.

“Debatable,” muttered Wymack.

“Anyway, there’s no way I’m going to participate in a threesome without him, even in my fantasies. But I’m still allowed to watch.” Nicky winked at Matt.

“I don’t want to have fantasy sex with Kevin,” said Matt. “I feel that he’d be very critical.”

“Good point,” said Nicky. “Fantasy Kevin is only allowed to stay if he doesn’t talk.”

“Actually, just replace Fantasy Kevin with Fantasy Dan and I’m good to go,” decided Matt.

“Ooh, me too,” said Dan.

“Well Fantasy Neil would be _appreciative_ and _grateful_ that he gets to have sex with Fantasy me,” sniffed Kevin. “Fantasy Kevin is _amazing_ at sex.”

“‘Kevin is amazing at sex’,” repeated Allison, “said no one, ever.”

“You’re just jealous,” said Kevin. “Neil, tell her.”

“Nuh uh, Fantasy Neil is over here with me and Dan,” argued Matt.

“Every single part of this conversation is making me uncomfortable,” said Neil. Kevin sent him a wounded look; he sighed deeply. “I’m sure Kevin is adequate at sex,” he said wearily.

“Stop wasting my oxygen,” said Wymack. “Last I checked this was a briefing, not a gossip circle. Minyard, Walker, where are you on the Jones murder?”

“We have two solid suspects,” said Renee. “We’re going to be interviewing both of them to try to narrow down which of them is guilty.”

“Excellent,” said Wymack. “You know what to do.”

“Yeah,” said Andrew. “I’ll use a seesaw to press down on their necks until one of them confesses.”

“Incorrect,” said Wymack, tiredly. “And disturbing. Renee, keep an eye on him. Moving on, Allison; how’s your internet fraud case?”

“With all due respect,” said Allison, “which isn’t much, the victim is an imbecile. She's fallen for more Nigerian scams than Nicky.”

“She's fallen for twenty Nigerian scams?” asked Renee in disbelief.

“What? No, that's insane,” said Allison. “She's fallen for two. Nicky, you’ve fallen for twenty Nigerian scams?”

“I’ve fallen for _nineteen_ ,” corrected Nicky. “And they weren’t all Nigerian scams. I’ve been suckered in by a wide range of different internet scams.”

“You don’t… click on suspicious email links from your work computer, do you?” asked Matt hesitantly.

“I click on everything,” said Nicky.

Wymack massaged his temples. “Dan, get someone from IT down here to idiot proof Hemmick’s computer.”

“No!” cried Nicky. “If they update my computer I'll lose Minesweeper.”

“Your operating system is old enough that you still have Minesweeper?” asked Dan.

“And Solitaire, and _Spider_ Solitaire, and FreeCell, and HEARTS!” said Nicky. “Jealous?”

“...Yes,” admitted Dan.

“Final order of business,” said Wymack. “The department is committed to community outreach and giving to charity. This year they’ve decided to donate money to after school sports programmes for at-risk youth. To that end we are going to have to come up with fundraising ideas.”

Everybody groaned.

“I know, I know,” said Wymack. “It’s terrible. But there is a trophy and a pizza lunch for the precinct that raises the most money.”

“A trophy?” asked Kevin with interest.

“I would have thought that the pizza was more enticing,” said Wymack.

“Anyone can buy a pizza,” said Kevin dismissively. “A trophy proves that you’re the best. I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I will shoot you all in the face to get you to participate if I have to.”

“Go team,” said Matt dryly.

“Easy, there, Kevin,” said Wymack. “It’s a friendly competition.”

Kevin snorted. “There’s no such thing as a friendly competition. That’s an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or a smart blonde.” He looked smugly at Allison.

She was examining her nails. “I know you’re trying to insult me, but the only natural blonde in this room is Andrew, so…”

“How do _you_ know he’s a natural blonde?” Nicky asked suspiciously.

“He is,” confirmed Neil. Nicky choked.

“Let’s brainstorm ideas for fundraising,” said Wymack, getting them back on track. “I suggest that we hold a car wash.”

“Ha, good one, Captain,” said Nicky. “You can't ‘wash’ a car.”

“I shudder to think about what your apartment looks like,” said Wymack. “Any other ideas?”

“Bake sale,” said Kevin, immediately. “Skills auction, used book sale, charity exy tournament.”

“We could make and sell a calendar,” said Matt. “I mean, we are a very attractive group of people.”

“What do you mean by skills auction?” Dan asked Kevin.

“It’s what it sounds like,” he said. “We offer our various skills to the highest bidder. For instance, I could offer to teach someone exy, or you could hold a baking lesson, or Allison could show them potion making as she cackles around her cauldron.” He leaned towards Allison. “I am calling you a witch,” he audibly whispered.

“I will not be sold off like chattel to the highest bidder,” Allison told Wymack. “I am prepared to light Kevin on fire in protest.”

“I mean, if we really want to win I can think of one easy way we could get the money,” said Nicky, giving Allison a pointed look.

She noticed his attention and gave him a once over. “You'd make a decent prostitute,” she admitted.

Nicky gasped in affront. “I'd make an amazing prostitute!” he argued. “Not like Kevin, he’d be awful.”

“Kevin’s actually a pretty passable prostitute,” said Neil, crunching on an apple. “What?” he asked when he noticed he’d snagged everyone’s attention. “He is.”

“And you know this because…?” said Matt.

Neil scoffed. “We were partners for years and we used to work vice. Of course I’ve seen him undercover as a prostitute. The only problem he has is that he always tries to solicit sex or drugs using perfect grammar.”

“For the last time, Neil, it's not that weird to say, ‘Shall we now have sex?’ or ‘May I have some cocaine?’” huffed Kevin.

Wymack looked longingly at his office. “We’re not - and I can’t believe I have to say this - raising money through prostitution.”

“That wasn’t my suggestion,” argued Nicky. “I was simply going to point out that Miss Moneybags over there could help us out.”

“You want me to give you money so that you can win a cheap trophy and a pizza?” asked Allison.

“Also to donate to charity,” said Renee.

Kevin smiled beseechingly. It was fairly disturbing.

“Are you… smiling?” asked Nicky. “It looks wrong, like seeing a turtle out of its shell. I don’t like it.”

“All smiling is horrible,” said Andrew. “Somehow, this is worse.”

Kevin continued to smile in Allison’s direction. “Come on, Allison. Be a team player.”

“No,” said Allison. “I was going to say no anyway, but since I know you really want me to, it’s definitely no.”

Kevin’s smile transformed into a glower. “I smiled at you,” he said. “For what?”

* * *

Andrew was relaxing on his couch. He was sitting with his back against the armrest, wearing his glasses and reading his latest dystopian thriller on his Kindle. Neil was sprawled across the rest of the couch, lying between Andrew’s thighs and using Andrew’s chest as a pillow as he watched exy on television. Andrew’s free hand was absently running through Neil’s hair.

At halftime, Neil muted the television at looked up at Andrew, who put his Kindle aside.

“I spoke to Browning today,” said Neil. “He hasn’t had any trouble since my transfer, so I’m clearly being targeted.”

“Moriyama related?” asked Andrew.

“Maybe. The tip to Seth Gordon must have happened almost as soon as I caught Herrera this morning. It’s possible that I’m being followed.”

“You’re a disaster,” said Andrew.

“What else is new?” said Neil with a half smile. “We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.”

“Are you going to say anything to Kevin?”

“No,” replied Neil, without missing a beat. “I will if it starts to affect him, but I don’t want to trigger his anxiety unnecessarily.”

Andrew hummed thoughtfully. “No more morning runs. I don’t want you alone and unarmed.”

“I’m never unarmed,” said Neil.

“Still,” said Andrew. “You texting me to say that you’d been arrested was the second worst text I got this morning.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “And the worst was…?”

“My mother,” said Andrew. “Her birthday party is next month.”

“I know,” said Neil. “I already bought her a present.”

“I want you to come to her party with me,” said Andrew, picking up his Kindle again and pretending to be engrossed in his book.

Neil sat up a little to look at him. “I’ve never gone with you before. Wymack and Nicky will both be there.”

“Are you saying no?”

“I’ll go anywhere you ask me to,” said Neil. “It’s just that you haven’t wanted anyone at work to know about our relationship, and Nicky will spread it to all of them instantly. I’m curious about the change of heart.”

“They’re all going to find out soon anyway,” said Andrew. “Allison is already suspicious and we’re hardly being subtle.”

“And the real reason is…?”

Andrew mumbled something. At Neil’s unimpressed look, he sighed and spoke louder, “Aaron’s bringing Katelyn.”

“Oh, I see,” said Neil with a chuckle, settling back down against Andrew’s chest. “You need me there so that you can compete with Aaron. You want to show me off as your trophy husband.”

Andrew scoffed. “If you were a trophy, you’d be a participation trophy.”

“What, like, everyone gets one?” asked Neil. He tilted his head back to look up at Andrew. “Are you calling me a slut?”

“I was in the briefing this morning,” said Andrew. “I heard what Fantasy Neil was up to.”

Neil laughed. “Well _my_ Fantasy Neil is the same as Regular Neil. He only swings for you.”

“You’re so sappy and embarrassing,” said Andrew.

“Stop cuddling me, then,” said Neil.

“No,” replied Andrew, and tightened his hold.

**Author's Note:**

> *groans* (whines) You guys... This was supposed to just be a single, silly fic because my [Hunger Games AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13345323) (now complete) was angsty. It was just supposed to be the Foxes all hanging around saying ridiculous things. Now it has a _plot_ and an _outline_ and the characters have _backstory_ and I'm _running out of good quotes to use_... *sighs* Oh, well. Let me know what you thought.


End file.
